the harvest
once you're tethered to your shame-bag, they run your fart through gas chromatography to get the exact recipe:
today i learned fart science is medieval torture
i thought fart studies were just goofy “hehe fart in a bag.” turns out, no. that would've been merciful.
instead, scientists bust out the rectal balloon catheter — translation: a tube up the ass, connected to a sampling bag, so every puff of gas gets harvested like it's the macy's day parade.
suddenly it's not “hehe science lol” — it's “strap down, sir; we're about to harvest your methane.”
the diet trials
and because science doesn't know when to stop, some volunteers had to change diets so researchers could compare “before and after” farts.
“subject agrees to fart into bags for 4 weeks straight.”
dignity for science
so next time you see a meme about “fart simulations,” remember: real fart science is darker — not just funny bags of gas, but actual rectal hardware.
science didn't just take your data — it took your dignity.
💀 shoutout to the brave souls who laid sideways for knowledge.